Dear Santa: I'm Dreaming of a Glue Christmas
Dear Santa,
It’s that time of year again, the one where you travel across the world and put yourself in perilous situations in the name of goodwill and cheer. Since you’re in the business of breaking and entering, and are the only silhouetted figure a kid would be ecstatic to see in their lounge room in the dead of night (barring your more anthropomorphic colleagues, the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy, of course) I can only wish you a safe and smooth journey across the world in these wild times.
It’s been a hard year to be an adult. You would understand, right? You’ve been around for generations. How old are you exactly? You don’t have to answer that if it’s a breach of your contract. Then again, you are the CEO. I’m sure the North Pole is a wonderland and you and the elves have been largely untouched by the Delta strain. But still, you have to know that it hasn’t been easy.
This year, we’re not asking for much, just for a comma in this suffering, not even a full stop! And maybe, Santa, if possible we could add a few little stocking fillers to the mix? Y’know, something to take the edge off monotonous conversations about the stock market with Uncle Barry. A cocktail shaker would be perfect! Specifically, the one with the little umbrellas, stirrers and ice coolers included. Oh, and the reusable straws! I sincerely hope Mrs Claus hasn’t been putting single-use plastic straws in your evening strawberry vodka.
There’s also this thousand piece jigsaw puzzle that would be really convenient to unwrap on Christmas morning, in time for the prolonged hours that will follow with relatives. My hopes are that perhaps if an extended period is spent collectively piecing together the calming angle of Michael Scott’s nose, or the soothing arch of Pam’s eyebrows, we will be overcome by such a sense of goodwill and joy that maybe, possibly, we will forego the line of invasive questioning that has become a tradition as inert as the Christmas pudding.
If it’s not too much trouble could you include a pack of three scented candles? I just know they will help me on the come-down after the big day. You could also include a book on meditation. You best believe no sooner than people are out the door will I be lighting a candle, dimming the lights and recentering my chakras. But of course, if the three candles are too much to ask just one will do.
If you happen to swing by the cookery gift portion of your workshop, it would be great if you could pick up Action Bronson’s cookbook for me. Yes, Action Bronson. It’s your job to judge naughty from nice, Santa, not to judge the items on a wish list. And don’t knock it till you try it! “F*ck, That’s Delicious” is full of flavoursome yet simple recipes as well as enough photographic content to earn a place on the coffee table. In fact, you should try some of them out, Santa - treat Mrs Claus to dinner for a change.
And Santy (can I call you that?), up until now all of the gifts I’ve asked for have been to serve a purpose. Surely, it’s ok to ask for something that I want purely for the joy of it? “Sneakers Unboxed” is a really great book that revisits some of the most groundbreaking developments in sneakers to date. It’s an exhibition in London but what with the pandemic and my conspicuous lack of reindeer and sleigh, I won’t be able to make it over there. So the book would be ideal. Plus there’s an interview in there with Steven Smith about the greatest court sneaker to ever exist - the Stan Smith. I can’t find it anywhere on the internet so the book would really be great.
Since I’ve got you, what’s the deal with coming down the chimney? I don’t imagine there’s very many houses in Australia where you can do that. Even so, in 2021?
I’ll be leaving the balcony door open a smidge just to make sure you get in easily. I’m counting on you, Santa!
PS: Please answer.